I need you to be at ease.

J and I leave today to visit my in-laws in western Illinois...still strange to be able to say that...three weeks ago today right at this moment we were all eating pizza...my bridal party, my fiance', friends and family, then off to CG to decorate...rehearsal dinner...that all was THREE weeks ago. 21 days ago all that was in my head was the wedding and being surrounded by everyone in this world that I love...today all that's in my head is getting a job and trying to stay cool in this ridiculous heat. Three weeks is a lot of time...

...J is in my head too. I hope he's having a good day at work. I hope he's still as happy with me as he was on our wedding day. I hope I make him laugh and smile enough...I hope he's HAPPY. I'm not your typical "wife"...I'm not your typical anything in all honesty...I don't think I belong in any "category" other than "overweight and unemployed"...

...but that's a whole different thing. Those two can be changed...thank God.

I want J to be thankful for our marriage...and I don't know how to make that happen. I'm not sitting here at home, cleaning our dark apartment, making lavish dinners so that the smells of veggies and garlic waft into the hallway when he gets home from a long day at work...I'm NOT wearing a house dress. (Does that even really happen anymore, though?) I don't really know how to iron...I hate to garden...I'm in no way ready for even the thought of having children...am I even a wife? People are always asking us..."how does it FEEL now that you two are married??" I literally don't know how to answer that question.

It doesn't FEEL any different. I love J no differently than I did the day before our wedding...we get along just the same, we laugh about the same things, we both have the same thoughts and ideas and concerns about our future...there's just nothing that different about being married. We did live together before we got married...but again...that's not that uncommon anymore.

I will say this though...I have a sense of "calm" that I never felt before. This is the only thing I could say that is different now...I feel calm. A calmness and ease about our relationship that gives me such a CONTENT feeling. It's wonderful! I know deep down in the depths of my heart that when we said those vows to each other that day, we meant them. Sure, we're going to have bumps in the road and fights to get over and issues we'll be crossing...but our level of commitment to each other reached it's highest level that day we exchanged rings, and put the warmest sense of ease in my heart. I love that.

 J's favorite thing to say to me: "Be at ease for me, babe...I need you to be at ease."

I'm at ease...I'm at total ease with our marriage...

...now the rest of my life? No ease. 

Like this weekend...for some reason going to my husband's home town makes me nervous. I don't know why...I can't really explain it...but I get an icky nervous feeling. Which is really annoying, because I love his family...my new family! They're fun and I love making them laugh and my new niece and nephew make my heart soar! 

But when I start walking around that small town in western Illinois...running on errands...meeting up with other people...I feel that nervousness...like I don't belong...kind of like how I felt all through high school. Ugh. I HATE HATE HATE that feeling...I literally get freaked out that everyone starts to mutter, "There goes that insane girl from Chicago," under their breaths when we arrive. I really don't think I belong...I stick out like a sore thumb...and I truly believe that everyone's laughing at me...that everyone thinks I'm a raving lunatic...that everyone hates me.

The latter is not that far off from reality, though.

(I'm aware this is borderline paranoia. With a touch of narcissism. *sigh....)

I've worked SO hard - especially in these last four years - to really find an inner confidence that I have lacked most of my life. For the most part, I found it...I stand up for myself like I never used to do, and even more I stand up for the people I love. When I'm in J's hometown though, I have an inner battle between fighting to keep being who I am, or just succumbing to the paranoia and anxiety and pretend to be someone I'm not. I usually stick with being just me...which may be my problem at the "Port"....

...I'm loud. I'm very opinionated. I'm liberal. I'm pretty loud. I swear. I openly admit how much I enjoy booze (HA!). I call people out when they're being ridiculous. Loudly. I do NOT tolerate ignorance. If you hurt someone I love you will ABSOLUTELY hear it from me. Loudly.

That list right up there is probably why I don't really "fit in" in western Illinois...

...at least J's family loves me. And J loves me...my spectacular husband loves me...he loves me for who I am INCLUDING that list up there...

...and he's from western Illinois. 

*smile*

- Mrs. H