I still miss my Cup

Today's status:

Weight: 154.6
Productive Activity: Worked!
Money Spent: $0 - ate a yummy homemade lunch!
Headaches: 1,000,000,000

Not entirely sure why I have the headache I do...I think my whole day is messed up and it's one of those days I truly wish I could start over. Nothing has gone particularly WRONG, per se, just got a bad start to the day and the week and it hasn't looked up since. Literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I've tried to convince J to switch sides. Being the selfless and wonderful man that he is, he said he'd be more than willing...I'm just having a hard time giving up MY side. ????? I get ODDLY attached to things in my life - either a routine, or some ridiculous object that I just. Can't. Let. Go of.

Take for instance, about a month ago. J and I were unpacking our car from a trip home from Michigan. The car was JAM PACKED with more wedding presents, and we got a late start to the trip so granted, I WAS really tired. So we're on the last batch of stuff, and I have my beloved Starbucks cup on top of the pile I was carrying. I trip a bit...and slooooooowwwwwllyyyyyyy my precious Starbucks cup falls to the ground and breaks. Not fixable. My Starbucks cup died.

The meltdown that followed is really one for the books. I cried. I sobbed. I. Was. DEVASTATED. I could not stop freaking out...it was like my whole world was completely turned upside down by the destruction of my Cup. J kept saying, "Honey, I literally don't know how to respond to this," while I'm screaming, "It's MY cup! It's MY CUP!" while stabbing my chest with my finger so hard I'm surprised I didn't break my sternum.  Or my finger.

The death of my Cup even moved into the next day, Monday. I'm sitting at work looking at the spot that used to be where I placed my Cup, and all I could see was empty space...and a Fiji water I purchased that I loathed. The Fiji water bottle was NOT my Cup. And literally....LITERALLY....when I thought about the events that took place the night before I would tear up. NOT because I was embarrassed at my ridiculous overreaction....no....I would tear up over the loss of my Cup.

My sweet J attempted to save the day by bringing me a replacement "cup" to my work...which was the SWEETEST thing...but I'm still haunted over the memories of that day...it even took me about a week to throw my Cup it away. My sad, broken Cup just sat there in the kitchen...I would try and "will" it to be magically fixed every morning I walked in there...hoping the Cup fairy would have shown up during the night...

...perhaps I need to go back into therapy...

Really - in the grand scheme of things...losing my Cup could quite possible be one of the most UNimportant things that has ever happened to me. Ever. But I have a hard time looking at the "big picture" sometimes...scratch that...MOST of the time. I really focus on the here-and-now and how I'm feeling at the moment which has led to impulse decisions in my past that haven't been so great. Don't get me wrong - impulsive can be quite a fun characteristic, and throughout the years I've learned to embrace my impulsiveness, as well as tame the hell out of it.

...I can literally hear my parents laughing right now...

Seriously, though...looking at the "big picture" is hard for me. Like my recent work with weight loss - I started counting Weight Watchers points again, as well as taking more classes at work. I even went for a RUN yesterday, which is so not like me. But I've been so DOWN on myself lately that I'm fat, lazy, not working hard enough, eating too much, and talking down to myself constantly. I've been feeling REALLY bad this week! But the big picture is....I've lost a good SIXTEEN POUNDS so far this year. SIXTEEN. And I don't give myself any credit for that. All I can focus on is the weight I'm not taking off currently.

I need to stop beating myself up. If I miss a workout - no big deal. If I eat McDonald's one day - no big deal. I'm my own worst critic and am STILL regretting that McDonald's from Monday night....(was sooo goooood though)...but I need to give myself a break. Otherwise I'm going to get to an unhealthy place where I'm obsessing about food and exercise...who wants that?!

The question is this...why WHY is it so hard to do good things for myself? When I eat better and exercise my mood is lifted, I sleep better, and overall just feel GOOD....so why can't I establish the habit yet? I've been fighting this for almost 11 months now...it's sad that I haven't established a better habit with these things.

There I go...giving myself a hard time again!

Good thing I have my man to go home to - he always tells me when I'm being insane!



.........I still miss my Cup, though....

- Mrs. H

It's all about perspecitve...

Today's status:

Weight: ??? and probably a good thing...ate like a glutenous cow this weekend. 

Productive Activity: again...??? Hurrah for a Sunday!

Money spent: $15 - groceries for the week

Moments of being TRULY un-selfish: 1

Today is Sunday. Sunday = football according to J. I, being the PERFECT wife that I am, have allowed J to have full control of the TV on Sundays. (Which is starting to move into Mondays....) I honestly don't mind. I take Sundays to get things done I normally wouldn't do if I had a decent television distraction. I like the roar of the crowd in the background as I clean and such...feels like I've got a crowd of people rooting for me.

Well, normally if we are out of town for the weekend, we try to leave at a decent hour so we can get home, unpack, unwind, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. But today, my sweet and wonderful husband was super bummed about missing the Vikings/Packers game due to the drive home.......so I told him we should just stay until the game is over so he won't miss it.

I am SO NICE!

Honestly though...I wish I was un-selfish with him more often. He never EVER asks me for things...he didn't even actually ask to stay for the game tonight...just said he was bummed he was going to miss it. He is ALWAYS doing things for me...doing favors for me and bending over backwards to make me happy. I wish I was more like him...I wish I could do more things for him...I love him SO MUCH. 

...something for me to work on, I suppose! Won't mind that...always looking for more ways to make my man happy!! 

*smile*

Today is Sunday which also = exactly one week before I turn 27...and in a weird way I am just ecstatic to be 27. I know I know I KNOW...I'm NOT OLD yet. Every woman who is older than me will roll her eyes and say "Girl, PLEASE!" when I say "Oh my GOD I'm gonna be 27!!"...but move to my friends who are younger than me, and I get wide open eyes that do not roll. Maybe add in a "Wow....yeah....27...."

It's all about perspective, I say. Age is just a number. ATTITUDE - now that is something to talk about.

I was with the in-laws in the country all weekend - was fabulous! I really think I'm a country girl at heart. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE Chicago and especially our new neighborhood - but MAN do I miss the country sometimes. I miss the trees and the grass and the fresh air...we went to an apple orchard yesterday. When we got there I immediately felt like a little kid again - I was playing on the fake tractors, petting the goats and laughing at the donkey (a donkey!)...I even managed to jam my giant body into one of the "trains" in the playground...

...thank God I got out. Seriously.

...but I ENJOY the small things in life. Honest and for true I do - so while some may think I'm obnoxious, I think I'm just trying to keep and enjoy my youth. Remember how much FUN you had as a kid? The utter pleasure you would get out of Christmas morning...the first snow fall...a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it...a hayride...why is it so hard as an adult to enjoy the things we used to? THAT is what life is made up of...the little things! The times with your friends and family! Yeah we all have bills and school and work and drama drama drama...but I have NO problem with going to play on the swing set. I hope to be doing so well into my late late years.

I was trying to explain (unsuccessfully) at dinner tonight with J's family about the odd pleasure I get out of other people's issues. It's hard to explain it without me sounding like a total ass...but I'm going to try...

...take for instance my morning commute. I get up every day about 6:30am...eat my breakfast and get dressed and pack my lunch and things for my day and I'm out the door by 7:30am. Maybe it's because I'm a new-found morning person...but I find my mornings QUITE entertaining.

I can guarantee that ANYONE who has lived in the city has experienced what I'm about to describe...

You're walking. To your destination. In my case, it is the brown line. So I'm walking...and I hear footsteps behind me...my new friend!...and the footsteps stay behind me pretty steadily...but uncomfortably close. I keep the SAME PACE the whole time...while my new friend is literally walking .0000001 mph faster than me. But for SOME REASON my friend finds it necessary to keep this "faster" pace, and the rest of your walk is spent with this person trying to get "ahead" of you to the train stop. 

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Why why WHY WHY did this even HAPPEN?? What satisfaction does my friend get by getting to the train stop just a teeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiny bit earlier than I? The last time this happened to me I gave my friend a BIG smile once we both reached the train platform - the race was over! I kept my pace and she kept hers... .0000001 mph faster than me...I had been beaten! My friend had THE. MOST. INTENSE look on her face - her race had clearly just begun...she'd find someone new to "beat" on her final way to work.

It cracks me up!!! Maybe I shouldn't laugh - obviously my friend took our race VERY seriously and will probably continue her day as such - but does it all have to be so SERIOUS? Ugh! Maybe I should feel bad for her...but I prefer laughter over sadness so I'll keep cracking up over these instances.

Like I said...it's all about perspective. Maybe next time I'll start running...will TOTALLY mess with her.

- Mrs. H

Balance

Today's status:

Weight: 155.8 (which I do NOT believe. There's no WAY I weighed the EXACT same yesterday morning, afternoon, evening, and the next day. Sorry...my scale is a liar today.)

Productive Activity: WORKED OUT!! 

Money spent: $14 worth every penny

A-HA moments in the past month: A billion. Or more like 15....probably somewhere in the middle

Going to eat Thai food by myself is one of my favorite things to do. I am a slow eater - I get it from my dad (we're "gourmets" he says) and I don't find it a flaw in myself. On the contrary...I think EVERYONE should eat slow. Do you know how much better food tastes when you actually chew it? Like CHEW it...not *chew *chew *swallow as J and my brother love to do...but chew and savor each and every bite.

J says I sound like a cow when I eat. Ha!!

I LOVE to eat...ask anyone who's close to me what one of my favorite things to do is, and I'm pretty sure they'll mention eating. I LOVE food - I love the way it smells, the way it tastes, the way I feel after I'm eating - food rocks my socks off. Thai is one of my favorites...and like I said, eating it alone is just way better. Don't get me wrong...I love grabbing a group of my girls and bottles of wine (or if my sweet SE is with us...a 40) and chatting it up over some ginger tofu (my fav!)...but going to eat it alone is top notch...

....did I just age myself 40 years by saying "top notch"?

...I think it's the plinky planky generic piano music that does it for me. The piano and the ambient "hummmm" sounds behind it...if you listen closely half of the time it's actually a recognizable tune. A Thai restaurant piano plinky planky version of some Britney Spears...Sting...old church hymns...it's all there! Today I heard, "Come, Christians Join to Sing."

...it's okay to laugh. I'm a preacher's daughter - add in a church music director for a mother and *BAM* you have the hymn-know-it-all-girl. Start humming a hymn and I'll rock the harmonies...and probably most of the verses too.

I went to a Thai place around the corner from where I work today. Was perfection. 

I have to say though...one of my LEAST favorite things in the world is when you eat something that you thought was going to taste one way...then it turns out to be something completely different. Case in point - I got a "mint" after my meal today. Oh, how excited was I to freshen my breath after my meal! 

Nope. Was strawberry-flavored.

Sad thing is, I LOVE strawberry-flavored stuff! But when I'm expecting peppermint and strawberry comes popping out...it's a true and utter disappointment.

J did that to me a couple weeks back. We were laying in bed watching tv and eating candy (yes...laying in bed eating candy....take it literally because that is literally what we were doing) and J says "open your mouth." I listen, and he pops what I think to be a jelly bean in my mouth...it was a rasinete!! This was way worse than my "mint" experience...at least with my "mint" I had the same texture. Rasinetes are 100% different than jelly beans...they really are.

My advice to anyone out there reading this...when someone says "open your mouth" just clench your jaw and snarl. You'll avoid any raisinete surprise...or worse....!

...moving along...

In ten days J and I will be married for 3 months. And it still has yet to hit me sometimes that we actually are married...sometimes I feel like I'm living in some sort of dream - floating in a bubble above these happy people living in their new apartment and one of these days the bubble will pop and I'll get back to reality.

J and I washed the dishes together a couple nights ago...and for some reason I found it to be the most romantic thing in the world. I felt married at that moment...and not because of the cliche' of doing the dishes or whatever...but I felt this wonderful calmness settle inside of me. It was quiet, we hadn't turned on the tv yet...and we didn't even really talk that much...(except when I would ruin the moment by pointing out J missed a spot on a bowl and he would roll his eyes and plop it back in the water)...but I just felt like I was home. I was HOME with my husband and we were washing the dishes together. Just a simple, yet fantastic moment for me.

I have to remember the simple moments...the quiet ones. The last time J and I visited Michigan we were able to get to church to hear my dad preach. Two awesome things happened that day:

1. I realized that was the first time J and I were in that church since our wedding day! Sent fabulous goosebumps all over me!

2. I realized again how amazing my dad is.

My dad talked that day about the quiet. That in the midst of life - the coming and going and tv shows and work and screaming kids and deadlines and fights and girls nights and parties and everything that comes along with life - that in the midst of all that we need to sit in the quiet and just...BE. It's really hard to do, actually...I like to call it "Me-time"...and in reality my Me-time is never actually quiet...like today at Thai with the plinky planky music...wasn't quiet...but I was quiet. That's something at least.

It was a great sermon that day. It was one of those that you don't realize any time had passed - and left you thinking. I think what really made that sermon great for me was that I knew he had barely written anything down. He was busy hanging out with the family - our visits to Michigan are getting shorter now that we both have to work - so my dad decided to "wing it" on Sunday morning...and it was awesome.

He makes me proud...SO PROUD to be his daughter.

And the thing that really blows my mind...in all my years of looking for my perfect guy...I end up finding a man SO similar to my dad.

Giving

Kind

Thoughtful

Generous

Selfless

Honest

Trustworthy

Quiet and introverted (SO opposite of me...)

FUNNY!

Smart

Loving

Humble

GOOD...they are good GOOD men. God-honoring, amazing men who put up with insane women like my mom and I. 

(I'm only allowed to say that because my mom says it too.... *smile*)

I wish I could explain to J sometimes how much he means to me...and how amazing and wonderful he is. I try to tell him all the time but he always says "Noooo," or says he doesn't believe me. But it's true. I absolutely could not have found a more perfect man...he's MY perfect...made to balance me out...my other half...my best friend.

Balance...now there's a word. If I could give ONE word to describe a way to lead a good life, it would probably be balance...

...or during certain times of the month...mint-chocolate-chip. (It's one word because of the hyphens...)

...but I think balance is key. I haven't allowed too much Me-time lately...what with work and moving and visitors and traveling...it's been hard to find quiet time for me. But I'll look more into that...I need more balance...more Me-time.

...and more exercise...more money...more time with friends and family...but we'll go there another day.

Balance. I need to find my life's balance. 

At least I found it in my hub!

*smile*

- Mrs. H

I have SOME successes...

Today's status:

Weight: 155.3 (yessssssss)

Productive activity: HARD day at work...still successful there!

Money spent: $0 ... will be a TAD more later... :)

New Neighborhoods: 1

New apartments: 1

Moments of realizing I may actually be a morning person: 1

It's been awhile since I've written...but not for want of something to write about. No...I literally haven't had the time! How great is that?! I had become so used to having so much time in my day to FILL...now my days are FULL and I am trying to find the extra time! And I LOVE IT!!!

Soooo....updates!!!

J and I have a new home!! We moved this weekend - J's family came in to help and we had my dear SE here too...they were all so helpful we got completely out of our old hole in three hours!! Moving is so overwhelming and I hate it. I HATE moving. I. HATE. IT. But this time wasn't actually all that terrible...I was moving for all the right reasons this time. No breakups...being broke and having to move home...J and I found our new HOME that we can live in and be happy - and we are! I can't believe how amazing it feels to see sunlight in our place...how did we survive a year in darkness? How did we survive a year in that small space...the cold (hot in summer), dark, stinky, MISERABLE place? We got married while living in that space...call me crazy but I think our relationship can survive almost anything if we made it - and even managed to GROW in our relationship - in that apartment! Woot for K and J!!

Loving my new job. LOVING it. It's something completely different than I've ever done...it's something challenging but yet relaxing...rewarding...fun...and inspiring. I am every day reminded to continue to stay healthy - to exercise - to eat better - and to be thankful for what I have. What more can I ask in a job? 

I've been without work for quite some time...taking time off work to get my education...I worked as a teacher's assistant for awhile...but I just still didn't feel like a productive person. I didn't feel useful. It's so weird how a job can boost one's self esteem. I go to work every day and am proud of what I do...proud of MYSELF. And I haven't felt that in a long time...pride. My relationship with my husband was literally one of the only things I felt I could be proud about...

...marriage. We're on day #46 of our marriage...it's work, marriage. Not bad work...but it is work. I've found that relationships are really give and take...it's a constant balancing act which can be challenging at times. But I'm madly in love with it! I'm in love with J...I'm in love with marriage. It's a commitment so far beyond just dating that it's hard to even understand at times...to really grasp the concept of being with the SAME person for the REST of your LIFE...how crazy is that? And how LUCKY am I to have found that man!

I've lost weight...a good amount in the past two weeks! 3.5 pounds...and I'm still hard on myself! Calling myself "fat" and looking at the mirror in disgrace...why is that? Why am I SO hard on myself? I never EVER thought I was the perfectionist type - - all through high school I had tons of aspirations to do well and work hard, but never actually did. Fast forward 8 years later and you have a girl (woman?) so focused on perfection that I make a 3-ring binder for work and focus on all my failures instead of successes. Why do I focus on my failures??

Successes:

New job. And got moved to full time!

Weight loss!

Amazing lifelong friends!

Wonderful family!

Am going to be a new auntie!

Bestest bestest friend getting married! (not necessarily MY success...but am so beyond happy for her it feels like a success!)

New apartment! 

New neighborhood!

46 days of marriage!!

....so I have SOME successes. Will keep working on getting some more.

That last one is my favorite. 

*smile*

- Mrs. H

I'm gonna be a butterfly!

Today is the beginning of the changing process.

Today I am counting my points. (Weight Watchers...22 points today!)

Today I am taking special care of my body.

Today I got up with the rest of the world and headed to work by 8:15 am.

Today I'll be getting to bed at a good, early hour.

Today I saw my potential...and it's absolutely wonderful!

Today's status:

Weight: 158.8 (?????????????)

Productive Activity: Got to work early!! 8:00 am baby!!!

Money spent: .........we'll see after a Target trip

Top Model episodes: 0

Headaches: 200. All at the same time.

Other than my headache that is seriously making me consider hopping into a cold shower to help release the pressure my brain is under....this day has been GREAT! 

I went to work today...the first time I went to work since December of '09...kinda insane, actually. It's weird how much not having a job was taking it's toll on my self esteem...and I didn't even realize it for the longest time. Getting up, showering, eating a (small) breakfast, and walking to J's car this morning was the BEST feeling...I felt like I actually may serve a purpose in this world! 

And honestly...I shouldn't have the question marks next to the weight...my eating yesterday was BEYOND ridiculous and sad and pathetic...and again...am only admitting this to the blog world and beyond because I need to be accountable. And...since I'm beginning the changing process...it's good to know how easy it is to truly, and utterly FAIL.

- 4 oatmeal creme pies

- Cool Ranch Doritos

- Dr. Pepper

- Side Caesar salad

- Garlic bread

- Linguini with garlic and broccoli

- Half a pint of cookie dough Ben & Jerry's

- Half a bag of Skittles crazy cores

............at least I still took my vitamins................and those oatmeal creme pies were the generic brand so only had six grams of fat instead of the usual seven..................okay, I know I'm just kidding myself. 

FAIL.

....yeah....I took the word "fail" to a whole new level yesterday. And I'm wondering why I have a headache today and feel just basically blaaahhhhh....?????

The upside to things is that I AM beginning the changing process. I was talking to SR yesterday, and we are going to ROCK this whole work out/eat better thing like it's nobody's business. She signed up for classes at my work! We both want to feel better about ourselves...eat better...work out...basically treat our bodies like the temples they are. And why shouldn't we? It'll be nice to have a friend along in the process so we can keep each other motivated....though I REALLY can't find something more motivating than working where I work. 

It's not a gym...it's a fitness/exercise studio. The highest the free weights go is 6 lbs...all you need if your own body and a ballet bar. It's unreal...the women that come to these classes have the most amazing bodies I've ever seen...I've never seen anything like it! It's obviously successful...I wouldn't think they would need to do any kind of advertising except just have people walk by the place before and after classes start...all you have to see is 15-25 AMAZING-looking women and bam! All of Chicago will sign up! I almost don't want to tell people about it, so that there will be room in the classes for me!

I get great coworkers, amazing bosses, and I can wear workout clothes to work! So instead of shopping for uncomfortable blouses, fancy pants, and tight painful fancy shoes, I wear leggings, tank tops, sweatshirts, and SOCKS. Not even shoes....just SOCKS. SOCKS!!!

..........SOCKS!!!!!!!!!

I'm just blown away by the opportunity I've been given. There is NO WAY I can fail this time...sure, I may work out only 4 times some weeks instead of 5...but I can't work there and keep the body I have. It just won't work...it won't happen...it won't be acceptable. 

I know...I know...I'm acting like I'm going to lose 20 pounds in one week and just be this fabulous fabulous woman...

...well I AM!!! Just not in one week.

*smile*

I started Weight Watchers before the wedding...and was doing well with it for awhile! But I feel like I was doing it more for the wedding than for myself. I'm at 22 points so far today...this is the first day I've counted points in weeks. If I keep track of my points...do the bar method...and maintain a positive attitude...by Christmas I'll have a ROCKIN' BOD and just be fabulous.

FABULOUS!!!!

So I'm chatting with my dear SR last night...I'm organizing all my paperwork and notes in a slick black 3-ring binder...for WORK (this is when you know I'm excited about something...when it gets it's own 3-ring binder)...and we're talking about all of these changes. And for some reason...it felt real this time. Like I wasn't just pumping myself up...I really and truly felt like this is exactly when I'm going to begin my changing process. 

I talked a bit ago about praying about this job...and this is also the first time I felt like I had true prayer...and a true answer to prayer. Not just because I got my way...I didn't pray this time to just get my way... I prayed to God asking for Him to give me the answer. Not necessarily this job...but the right job. I prayed that if I wouldn't get it, that I knew there would be another one out there for me...that everything happens for a reason. But I also prayed about my life choices...about how I really feel like going into dietetics is really the right path for me...and this job would REALLY help push me along that path...and if this was really the path I should be taking...then this job would open up for me. I feel like I prayed right this time...and that I got some real answers. And I feel amazing!

Just heard from SR about her first workout...she says it hurts to drive home, it's that intense...I'm excited and scared out of my mind for tomorrow...ahhh!! 

*smile*

When I told SR about my changing process...she thought it was cute. "The changing process. Love it!" She said, "It's like you're gonna be a butterfly!"

HOW cute is that?!

I AM gonna be a butterfly! A thin and toned butterfly...working in the current job of my dreams...moving to the best neighborhood in the city...married to the man of my dreams...it feels like it's too good to be true...

...for now...it's my life! I'll take it!!

- Mrs. H

POPCORN!!!

Today's status:

Weight: 158.8

Productive Activity: Entered the world of employment

Money spent: $0 (though WILL be spending some later...)

Top Model episodes: 0 

Moments of PURE JOY: 150 and counting...

So...I'm pretty much going to avoid talking about the ridiculous weight gain. Could be worse...I blame it on stress and water (and pizza and breadsticks) and it WILL be going down. I should have been more specific the other day when I said goodbye to 158.2...I should have said goodbye AND goodbye to all higher numbers...*sigh...no hopes for a weigh-in tomorrow as I'm going to the movies tonight and there has been only TWO times in my existence here on earth that I can remember NOT getting popcorn...

1. I went with my brother and CG to see the documentary "Babies"...should have gotten popcorn though, because then there would have been something enjoyable about that hour and a half...

2. The night I got engaged. Knew we were going to dinner right after the movie and didn't want to spoil my appetite for scallops and 5 bottles of wine...

...I have had nothing but a perfect love affair with popcorn my entire life. My earliest memories of anything include fighting over who gets to hold the middle seatbelt in the gray car (??????) and eating my dad's popcorn in my footsie pajamas...

...WHICH, by the way, should really be made in adult sizes. I would put up some hard cash for a pair of footsie pj's that would fit me now...

...My dad would make his popcorn on the stove in our long and skinny kitchen in Clarion, PA. I remember him standing there at the stove with the popcorn maker...so patiently cranking and cranking the handle that stirred the kernels at the bottom of the pot...in his flannel shirt and giant GIANT glasses...I can picture it now! (as funny as those glasses were, I can't laugh too hard...anyone who wore specs back in the early 90's knows they would take up half of your face...myself included...) Now, when my dad makes me popcorn, he sits down in front of the microwave and watches it pop up higher and higher, with Ralphie sitting next to him licking his lips hoping for at least one of those glorious kernels to fall on the floor.

Ralphie is a dog. The most wonderful dog to ever exist.

More often than he'd like, J makes me popcorn with his old popcorn maker. He doesn't usually like to do it, but can't seem to resist my googly "PleasePleasePLEASEmakemepopcornprettyprettypleeeeeeease" eyes. 

My mom always told me that she knew that I would find the man I would marry when I would be willing to share my popcorn with him.

I shared it with J. 

*smile*

If I didn't like my popcorn to be in such large quantities, I would absolutely have it every day. For some reason I can't just have a small, reasonably-sized portion of popcorn. It needs to be in a bowl the size of a small tub...filled to the brim.

Portion control is absolutely my problem with the weight gain...for some reason I always think I need to have an equal portion of food as my husband, which is utterly ridiculous. I'm aware. But I get this sense of panic when our food is getting spooned into bowls, watching over it like a hawk who will absolutely pounce on the poor soul who is innocently putting rice into bowls. (Or more often, mac and cheese). I order WAY too much food at restaurants....like so much food that by the time my entree' comes I am so stuffed I'll take a bite or two then get it wrapped up. And THEN...where my true evil side comes out...I won't EAT said entree' and throw it in the trash. 

I throw away what used to be a delicious plate of food. WHY?! ............literally the only answer I can find is that I have some sort of psychological problem. I'm a freak. I'm not happy to admit it...but it's true...I'm a freak. J calls me a freak all the time...

...not in a mean way. Just in an obvious way...when I need to be told I'm being a freak and we're laughing about my freak-ness...he'll be sure to let me know. "You're a FREAK!!!" he'll say.

I've had a rocky relationship with food my whole life. The good thing about my relationship now is that I actually like to eat food. And when I say "like" I really mean "LOVE." I LOVE food...food excites me...I plan all of my meals at the beginning of the day...I love love love LOVE food.

.....................I think I'm hungry.

Side note: I am now the M-F day receptionist at a fitness studio in Lakeview!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!! I got called less than an hour after my second interview. I am in LOVE with my new job, my new bosses, and the opportunity I'm being given to get back into great shape. Free exercise classes!!! I'm going to be constantly surrounded by slim, toned, gorgeous women...you can't have a chubby receptionist at a fitness studio, for crying out loud! 

I got a job...and a lifestyle change...and a sense of pride that I haven't felt in a long time. Will talk more about the new job later...for now...off to dinner and a movie with the bestie!! 

...And POPCORN!!!!!!

- Mrs. H

It's a God thing.

Today's status:

Weight: 158.2

Productive activity: Cleaning and job hunting

Money spent: $0 (though ample opportunity to spend more this evening...we'll see!)

Top Model episodes: 7 (I need an intervention)

Feelings of success and renewed sense of self-worth: 1

So I gained .3 pounds since yesterday??? Was kind of a shocker to me until I realized that those oatmeal creme pies I've been eating have SEVEN GRAMS OF FAT in each one, basically no fiber, and pretty much tops the list of pointless things to put in one's body. I should never allow crap like that to exist in our home...so I'm really glad I finished the box today. Yeah...the box that was brought into our home on SUNDAY.

Fail.

The only reason I'm even letting the world know how utterly void I am of any self-control is because admitting it at least makes me accountable. If I start hiding what I'm eating then I really will need to worry...it's sad...I'm not proud...more embarrassed really...but if I don't start being realistic about what I'm doing to my body then I'll never make any changes.

So...I'm saying "hello" and "PEACE OUT" to my 158.2 .... will NOT be seeing you tomorrow or ever ever again. Ever. Ever again. Never...

...moving on to better things...I GOT A SECOND INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even begin to describe how ecstatic I am for this closer step to a job! A M-F receptionist job...at a fitness studio...basically the job I was literally dreaming of when I started job hunting. I'm trying not to get TOO excited about it...I think my nerves really helped me yesterday. I wasn't feeling completely confident about how the interview went...was obsessively going over the details of the interview in my head over and over and over...thinking about everything I said wrong...now realizing maybe all of that was a good thing. As long as I can keep my nerves under control...steering clear from the paralyzing, panic-y, feeling-like-I'm-going-to-die nerves...it'll push me to stay on my toes and focus.

The craziest thing about it today, is I was chatting with my momma and she suggested I call the place and thank them for the interview yesterday. I gave it some thought...spent a lot of time getting the courage...I picked up my phone and started dialing. After typing in the 6th number my phone bleeped and I got an email....which was Lis asking me to come in for the second/final interview! Weird! Awesome!

...and as my dad would say, "It's a God thing."

I prayed yesterday. It's the first time I REALLY prayed since the wedding. I also asked for prayers from others and I know I had a ton coming my way during those fifteen minutes yesterday...but I figured a prayer of my own could only help things. When I walked in early yesterday, my interviewer came out and said she'd be with me in a minute, I literally responded something like "Oh, no problem sorry I'm early I just like to arrive early I don't mind waiting no worries I'm just really punctual noworriestakeyourtimeI'lljustsithereandpatientlywait blah blah blah blaaaaahhhhhh........."

....I was a blubbering MORON.

So I decided a prayer was in order. I was sweating and shaking so I literally closed my eyes while I sat there waiting and prayed for peace, guidance, self-control, and for the sweat to - at the very least - come off my face. 

Wiping off a sweaty upper lip during an interview is probably not the best situation to be in....

...so needless to say, the Big Man was on my side yesterday...and I'll need Him right there again on Saturday for interview #2...

...whatever happens I know will happen for a reason. I say that all the time..."everything happens for a reason." My own version of "It's a God thing" I suppose. Even though I may say it at the worst time possible, (J tells me my timing is quite unfortunate when I say it to him HA!) I truly believe it. The way my life has turned out...all the heartaches and broken bones and shenanigans I've gotten myself into...everything has led to where I am right now. If ONE THING had happened differently, J and I might have never found each other. Yeah, I have some regrets...but I learned from them...and I can't imagine my life without my husband. 

There will always be bumps in the road...but those bumps are always learning opportunities...and they all happen for a reason.

So I'll do my prep work for Saturday...I'll get a new outfit...and I'll pray...and I WILL rock it out. I WILL.

I WILL get this job. I WILL GET THIS JOB!

...whatever happens will be a God thing...and I need to always remind myself of that faith.

Naptime = easier times for all

Today's status:

Weight: 157.1

Interviews: 1

Productive activity: Unpacked from weekend trip

Money spent: $3.35 (Jamba Juice Peach Perfection mmmmmmm....and only got the 16 oz! Success!!!)

Top Model episodes: ZERO!!! 

Feelings of failure and complete loss of self-worth: 136

I'm usually not that nervous for interviews...I tend to be quite outgoing and laugh and have a good time during the interview process...perhaps, though, that may be the reason I haven't gotten a job yet. Hmmm...today I was nervous...big time. Hands shaking, nauseous, racing thoughts, sweating...yeah. Hot mess. No clue why...maybe because I'm getting to the scary point where I need need need need NEED a job...maybe because I really liked this position (receptionist at a fitness studio)...maybe because if I don't get a job soon I will be a COMPLETE waste of space and become a total failure at life. 

*sigh

I realize I'm being overly negative today...but it's hard not to be while job hunting. You apply to say 15 jobs, hear back from 5, three of which are scams, get interviews for two others, and get back to square one again when you don't get hired for anything.

The interview went pretty well...was just hard to read her... I'm usually good at reading people and just could NOT tell if she wanted to hire me or wanted me to get the hey outta there...I'll just say tons of prayers these next couple days...was told I'd get a call in a "couple" days "either way."

To help me feel better about life I had J make me fish sticks and mac and cheese for dinner. Was delicious...though felt like I should have topped it off with some apple juice in a sippy cup instead of the diet coke I had. Sometimes it's nice to go back to the food I enjoyed as a child...smoked salmon and asparagus just isn't really "comfort" food (as yummy as it may be now that I'm all "grown up")...maybe tomorrow I'll go to McDonald's and get a Happy Meal. 

Here's the question...why is it so hard to be happy EXACTLY where you are in life? Like right now...I'd LOVE to go back to when I was around 8...living on 7th Avenue...playing badminton with my dad...bike rides with my mom picking wild flowers...making my barbies "ice skate" on the bathroom floor...going to Cook Forest and hiking and throwing stones into the creek...life was simple then. But when I was 8, I wanted to be "grown up." When I was a teenager I wanted to be anything but that...a teenager...

...though I would like to meet one person who says that their teenage years were awesome...because that person is a liar and probably needs some therapy...

...but I feel like it's difficult to be happy in our current situations. Not just me...anyone really. 

- College students can't wait to graduate and be in the "real world"

- People in their 40's would give anything to go back to college - or go in the opposite direction and pray for the day they can retire...

- Once retired, people complain about being bored

- Parents can't wait for their kids to grow up...

- When said kids "grow up" the parents would give anything to go back to the "early years"...

...I could keep going but I think I made my point.  

Now don't get me wrong...I am beyond happy to be married. I honestly and truly believe I found the man that was put here on this earth to be my husband. He makes me SO happy...he makes me laugh which is my all time favorite thing to do...It's just hard not to be nostalgic about the "easier times."

Were there ever "easier times" though? Like if you really really think about it...when are things ever easy? Was childhood really that easy? There were bullies...and the scary art teacher...and those days where your mom put carrot sticks in your lunch instead of the oatmeal cream pie...

...one more thought:

I truly TRULY believe that the one thing that should never ever have changed from childhood is naptime. Would we be cutting people off on the highway and throwing water bottles at Justin Bieber if we all could just have a little nap every day?

Naptime = easier times for all. Maybe if there were naps then there wouldn't even BE a Justin Bieber...

- Mrs. H

I need you to be at ease.

J and I leave today to visit my in-laws in western Illinois...still strange to be able to say that...three weeks ago today right at this moment we were all eating pizza...my bridal party, my fiance', friends and family, then off to CG to decorate...rehearsal dinner...that all was THREE weeks ago. 21 days ago all that was in my head was the wedding and being surrounded by everyone in this world that I love...today all that's in my head is getting a job and trying to stay cool in this ridiculous heat. Three weeks is a lot of time...

...J is in my head too. I hope he's having a good day at work. I hope he's still as happy with me as he was on our wedding day. I hope I make him laugh and smile enough...I hope he's HAPPY. I'm not your typical "wife"...I'm not your typical anything in all honesty...I don't think I belong in any "category" other than "overweight and unemployed"...

...but that's a whole different thing. Those two can be changed...thank God.

I want J to be thankful for our marriage...and I don't know how to make that happen. I'm not sitting here at home, cleaning our dark apartment, making lavish dinners so that the smells of veggies and garlic waft into the hallway when he gets home from a long day at work...I'm NOT wearing a house dress. (Does that even really happen anymore, though?) I don't really know how to iron...I hate to garden...I'm in no way ready for even the thought of having children...am I even a wife? People are always asking us..."how does it FEEL now that you two are married??" I literally don't know how to answer that question.

It doesn't FEEL any different. I love J no differently than I did the day before our wedding...we get along just the same, we laugh about the same things, we both have the same thoughts and ideas and concerns about our future...there's just nothing that different about being married. We did live together before we got married...but again...that's not that uncommon anymore.

I will say this though...I have a sense of "calm" that I never felt before. This is the only thing I could say that is different now...I feel calm. A calmness and ease about our relationship that gives me such a CONTENT feeling. It's wonderful! I know deep down in the depths of my heart that when we said those vows to each other that day, we meant them. Sure, we're going to have bumps in the road and fights to get over and issues we'll be crossing...but our level of commitment to each other reached it's highest level that day we exchanged rings, and put the warmest sense of ease in my heart. I love that.

 J's favorite thing to say to me: "Be at ease for me, babe...I need you to be at ease."

I'm at ease...I'm at total ease with our marriage...

...now the rest of my life? No ease. 

Like this weekend...for some reason going to my husband's home town makes me nervous. I don't know why...I can't really explain it...but I get an icky nervous feeling. Which is really annoying, because I love his family...my new family! They're fun and I love making them laugh and my new niece and nephew make my heart soar! 

But when I start walking around that small town in western Illinois...running on errands...meeting up with other people...I feel that nervousness...like I don't belong...kind of like how I felt all through high school. Ugh. I HATE HATE HATE that feeling...I literally get freaked out that everyone starts to mutter, "There goes that insane girl from Chicago," under their breaths when we arrive. I really don't think I belong...I stick out like a sore thumb...and I truly believe that everyone's laughing at me...that everyone thinks I'm a raving lunatic...that everyone hates me.

The latter is not that far off from reality, though.

(I'm aware this is borderline paranoia. With a touch of narcissism. *sigh....)

I've worked SO hard - especially in these last four years - to really find an inner confidence that I have lacked most of my life. For the most part, I found it...I stand up for myself like I never used to do, and even more I stand up for the people I love. When I'm in J's hometown though, I have an inner battle between fighting to keep being who I am, or just succumbing to the paranoia and anxiety and pretend to be someone I'm not. I usually stick with being just me...which may be my problem at the "Port"....

...I'm loud. I'm very opinionated. I'm liberal. I'm pretty loud. I swear. I openly admit how much I enjoy booze (HA!). I call people out when they're being ridiculous. Loudly. I do NOT tolerate ignorance. If you hurt someone I love you will ABSOLUTELY hear it from me. Loudly.

That list right up there is probably why I don't really "fit in" in western Illinois...

...at least J's family loves me. And J loves me...my spectacular husband loves me...he loves me for who I am INCLUDING that list up there...

...and he's from western Illinois. 

*smile*

- Mrs. H

I love the FedEx guy!!

EVERY summer that I have spent around this time of year in Chicago scares the pucky out of me. It's going four years strong now, and I don't get why it doesn't click with me yet...

...it begins with a jet. A fighter jet...zooming WHOOSH overhead...mini heart attack. Then a couple minutes later, another jet. WHOOSH!! Bigger heart attack. Visions of September 11th fly through my head as I start thinking of who I could contact in what little time left I most definitely have left here on earth...did I tell anyone to burn my diaries? I never made a will before...who would get all my stuff? J certainly wouldn't be here either, as those jets will absolutely be destroying all of Chicago...do all my friends and family know I love them? Would my mom save my pillow person? Did I live my life well enough? The fighter jet that is so surely my ultimate demise flies overhead again....then I remember...

...I Google "air and water show Chicago" and there it is...again...just like last year...

"The Chicago Air and Water Show presented by the City of Chicago and Shell Oil Products U.S rocks the lakefront August 14-15, 2010 for the largest FREE show of its kind in the United States. The U.S. Navy Blue Angels and U.S. Army Parachute Team Golden Knights will headline the 52nd Annual Chicago Air and Water Show along the lakefront from Fullerton to Oak Street, with North Avenue Beach as the focal point. New time this year; the water and air portions have been combined for one continuous show beginning at 11 am and ending at 4 pm both days."

duh.

Sad thing is, I've never been to the show. In allllllllllllll my years of wanting to be in large crowds...party like a rock star...be at the center of everything...meet and talk with strangers...bring 250 of my "closest" friends with me to large events...I now have no desire for those things. This year I have no choice...will be out of town this weekend to visit the in-laws (in-laws! I can say in-laws!!)...but it still surprises me when I hear about events like these in the city and literally have NO DESIRE to go to them. What changed?

Growing up...getting married...finding excellent friendships and keeping the strong ones from the past...priorities have changed. And I love it! I love meeting up with friends for dinner and some wine, then bed before midnight...I love going down the hall to SE's place to talk girl talk and watch Mary Poppins...I love skyping with B for two hours talking about everything and nothing...I LOVE a night in with my hub, laughing and talking and being madly in love! The crowds will come and go...the parties and clubs and events will be there if I ever want to go back...for now, bring on the milk and cookies and 11:00 bedtime!

This first year of marriage should be interesting. I'm constantly looking to "find myself" and I feel like now that I've found true love...I'm looking to find my true "self" even more. Where will J and I be a year from now? Will we be just as happy? Will I have finally found my place on this big big earth that I've been looking for all these years? 


Will our love be just as strong?


...I think it will. I can even say with confidence that I KNOW it will.

...on a side note...can I just say how much I love the FedEx guy?!?! What a fabulous man!! With all my job hunting I'm getting daily scam emails...people who spend their entire day looking to screw over perfect strangers...sitting in their homes being truly evil by stealing from other people...and then in walks the FedEx guy! It's 6,000 degrees outside, humid enough that you feel like you're drowning, and he comes up to me smiling saying, "Well how are YOU on this fabulous day?!" 

*smile*

I love the FedEx guy. There needs to be more people like him in this world...perfectly content in their own world and spreading their happiness to the girl in the dark apartment watching Top Model. (Yes....again....I'm filled with shame.)

So here's to you, FedEx guy! Thanks for brightening up my day! And another big thank-you to the Big Man upstairs for giving me another day on this glorious earth! The fighter jets aren't here to take me away just yet...they're just here to scare me into turning off the TV! Do I want to die watching Top Model? No....I want to die knowing that I lived my life like the FedEx guy!

- Mrs. H

I buy too many diaries that I don't write in...

Can I first just mention that I am NOT confused about being married...on the contrary, that may be one of the only things in my life right now that I am not confused about. So just so we're clear...

Marriage = NO confusion

I love my husband more than anything in this entire world. I really don't like to rub my successes into people's faces...really, who likes to sit around and listen to someone talk about how perfect their lives are? I honestly think if you're that persistent to tell people how fabulous you are, there is something really very truly wrong going on there...but being that my relationship with my husband is one of my very few successes in life...sorry, I'm going to talk about it. 

We got married 18 days ago. It was a hot, humid, rainy day...but absolutely perfect. I really couldn't have imagined a day more wonderful than our wedding day. Music, scripture, family, cake, food, dancing, cookies, drinks, games....love. I have never been so SURE of something in my 26 years here on earth...J and I are meant to be together through this life and the next. We are soul mates in every possible way. He is my best friend, my love, and he lets me be ME - he loves me just the way I am, imperfections included...

...which led me to figuring out the title to my blog..."married and confused..." because being married is probably the only thing I'm sure about right now. The rest is just confusion...

...like right now. WHY am I watching America's Next Top Model for the 5,000,000,000th time?? WHY?! Especially when I'm watching Cycle 6 (the one with Jade) which I could probably start quoting, I've seen it so many times. This show is ridiculous. The girls are "too short" when they're 5'7"...they're "plus-sized" when they weigh less than I do...they're eliminated for the stupidest things like "we don't think you have the right personality." J rolls his eyes every time he comes home and has it on...always asking me why I watch this show all the time...and I have no answer. No GOOD answer, at least. I'll admit I love the stupid drama, I love the weird photo shoots, I love when they FLIP OUT about getting their hair cut (do women forget that hair grows??? It grows...it GROWS BACK!!!!), I love Miss J, and oh Lord do I love when Tyra does that thing she's just so good at...embarrass herself. 

I'm wasting my time, though, and the sad thing is I realize it and I do it anyway...

...this is not an everyday occurrence, however, as yesterday I was very productive! Yesterday was a day to be proud of...

...today I gave up after applying for a few more jobs. Job hunting isn't really that HARD...it's just frustrating. Tiring. I've been having racing thoughts lately...thoughts running so fast that it wakes me up in the morning, and those of you who know me know I have never EVER had a problem with sleeping in. So today...after applying for yet ANOTHER receptionist job...I decided to start my blog. This blog. The blog where I can throw out these racing thoughts...usually silly thoughts like, "Why does Dr. Oz wear scrubs that are too small?"...but still the thoughts need to get out there somehow. Otherwise I'll go nuts...

...and I buy too many diaries that I don't write in.

Time to go back to productivity...J comes home in a couple hours and we'll be going apartment hunting! It still astounds me that we lasted a year in this little dark box we've lived in...I feel like I'm in one of those boxes that people pack away in their attics...it's dark, hot, musty, and you can easily be forgotten if you don't get out every once in awhile.

So here I am, blog world! I'm confused. MARRIED!!!...but confused...

- Mrs. H