I will unpack the boxes.

Today's status:

Weight: 151.8

Weight lost in 24 hours: 2.2 pounds. Seriously.

Healthy lunches: 1 mmmmm...

It's 2011. Holy shit.

I apologize for the language...but seriously...2011....this is not just a new year but a new DECADE.

I've spent a lot of time reflecting being that I have now been existing on this earth during three decades. It's weird how many things change when you look back...like it's weird now that I'm married my holidays are completely different. I didn't even see my family on Thanksgiving this year...J spent his first Christmas without his...things like this you don't really think about when you say "I do." (In our case..."I WILL"!) We had a talk between Thanksgiving and Christmas about how strangely hard it was this holiday season...everything had changed! It's not necessarily a bad thing...it's just change. And we all know how hard change is...

(case in point = facebook. People FREAK OUT when fb changes...whyyyyy??)

...but change is never ever easy no matter how good it may be. I love LOVE being married. I LOVE my husband and I LOVE that we don't spend holidays apart anymore. That being said...holidays are now apart from our families. It's hard....the last 26 years of my life I was with my family at Thanksgiving...but I have to keep reminding myself that my family just expanded BIG TIME and I should be thankful for that. I now have a niece, a nephew, another nephew on the way, a SISTER (always wanted one of those! *smile*) ...my family grew! I talked to J about that...we both need to remember that this is just change and a GOOD one, as hard as it may be. And we can develop new traditions...especially for J and I. I'm excited to start new traditions with him...become our own family! And we grew a bit...we now have sweet little Elaine (Lanie, we call her) who is such a precious addition to our family!

...Lanie is a kitten, for those of you who may not know. Not a child. Though at times she seems like one...waking us up during the wee hours of the night! Argh! Last night she was FREAKING. OUT. for no reason...I'm sure she would have just jumped out of the window if there wasn't a screen on it. (Yes...our window was open last night...we're a warm couple) Our love for her keeps on growing though...hurrah for kittens!

Reflecting on this year is kind of overwhelming - but a good overwhelming. Obviously the marriage is the biggest change...but my weight loss has been much more successful than I had been giving myself credit for. On January 1st, 2010 I weighed a whopping 176 pounds!!! So I have lost TWENTY FIVE pounds in 2010!!!

I was 151.6 on December 31...such an overwhelming feeling!!!

It's amazing when I look at the big picture as opposed to each daily success and failure....especially when I look at ACTUAL pictures...of myself...at 176...it's pretty crazy! It's come off slow...but consistent...and has stayed off....excluding the first week of 2011 where I seemed to have celebrated a TAD too much....

NYE = pasta, wine, champagne
NYD = pizza and caesar salad
DANYD = Chinese

Whoops.

SOMEhow, I lost almost every ounce of the weight I gained over New Years overnight. I'm a woman though...and my sweet monthly gift has arrived...so...we'll just leave it at that. Giving a big fist pump for Ms. Mother Nature.

I'm back on the Weight Watchers. I joined ww online and started their new system - which I LOVE because I'm not as starving and FRUIT IS FREE!!!! I can eat my bananas and giant apples in peace now!

I have SO MUCH to be thankful for this past year...and most of it seems to include my sweet J...which is a very very good thing.

*smile*

I have also spent a lot of time soul-searching, and as I have yet to find my true and pure soul, I think I'm on my way. The biggest thing I think I've found was a positive attitude. I don't mean excited-ness, glee, or friendliness...(as many people may know I seem to possess those traits already)....but the positive attitude was hard to attain...and keep...and will be something I'll have to work on forever. I've learned to allow myself time to be upset...everyone is allowed to be upset! My mom has always given me this advice and I LOVE it:

"Give yourself one hour at the most to be upset and feel sorry for yourself. After that, it's time to move on."

I've noticed so many people that I know and love focus on the negative all the time and it makes me sad - there's SO MUCH out there to be thankful for. Anyone can sit around and focus on what's NOT going well in their lives - not hard to do. What's hard is to continue to focus on what IS going well.

For instance...

1. I didn't finish college.
2. I'm still overweight.
3. I haven't been able to work out at ALL for awhile now. Totally out of shape.
4. We need more money.
5. We could use a bigger apartment.
6. Our car basically sucks.
7. It's dark and cold outside.
8. I don't ever seem to have time for my friends, to read a book, to cook dinner.
9. We STILL have boxes to unpack.
10. Lanie is driving us insane at night.

Buuuuut.....

1. I'm going to finish college. I know what I want to do, and will be getting back to school soon!
2. I've lost a ton of weight! And still losing! At this rate I won't be considered "overweight" for much longer!
3. Once my work schedule changes, so will the opportunity to work out! Just a little bit longer then it'll happen!
4. Everyone...always...needs more money. We're making it work just fine and still coming out ahead. Which is a very very very good thing!
5. We (maybe) could move to a 1-bedroom come February. If not - we've definitely made our new place work! It's cozy!
6. At least we HAVE a car!
7. It's going to be dark and cold for awhile - enjoy the coziness of winter and the extra clothing to hide my fatty flaws! AND winter solstice has been over and done with - days are getting longer from here on out! Woot!
8. Will be getting more time once my work schedule changes! And our travel schedule has gotten lighter since the holidays - more time! Woot!
9. Unpack the boxes. All of this WILL get done!
10. We'll find some ways to remedy this problem. We are so lucky to have such a sweet little kitten to add to our family! She's friendly, loves to cuddle, loves to play, makes us laugh, and really loves J and I - we're so lucky! Our family grew because of this sweet little princess!

BAM!

*smile*

It takes some time to get used to focusing on the good stuff - but it REALLY helps things. And I'm not saying that I'm Mrs. Positive and all I do is talk about flowers and sunshine and warm fuzzy feelings...I do my fair share of bitching! I will say though...I think I annoy the people who are trying to be negative and I refuse to let them. HA! J always says I have the WORST timing when I say "Everything happens for a reason," ....which I probably do...but it's SUCH a true statement.

There are some things in our lives that we cannot change...obviously...but there are SO many things we CAN change to make our lives better. A bunch of those things on my list up there I can't change. But like #9....all I need to do is unpack the boxes. I will unpack those boxes and my life will get a *smidge better. I will walk into that kitchen nook and not get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I will change one of the things in my life that is annoying and bothering me, and I will feel better. I will.

I will unpack the boxes.

2011 is going to ROCK!

- Mrs. H

I still miss my Cup

Today's status:

Weight: 154.6
Productive Activity: Worked!
Money Spent: $0 - ate a yummy homemade lunch!
Headaches: 1,000,000,000

Not entirely sure why I have the headache I do...I think my whole day is messed up and it's one of those days I truly wish I could start over. Nothing has gone particularly WRONG, per se, just got a bad start to the day and the week and it hasn't looked up since. Literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

I've tried to convince J to switch sides. Being the selfless and wonderful man that he is, he said he'd be more than willing...I'm just having a hard time giving up MY side. ????? I get ODDLY attached to things in my life - either a routine, or some ridiculous object that I just. Can't. Let. Go of.

Take for instance, about a month ago. J and I were unpacking our car from a trip home from Michigan. The car was JAM PACKED with more wedding presents, and we got a late start to the trip so granted, I WAS really tired. So we're on the last batch of stuff, and I have my beloved Starbucks cup on top of the pile I was carrying. I trip a bit...and slooooooowwwwwllyyyyyyy my precious Starbucks cup falls to the ground and breaks. Not fixable. My Starbucks cup died.

The meltdown that followed is really one for the books. I cried. I sobbed. I. Was. DEVASTATED. I could not stop freaking out...it was like my whole world was completely turned upside down by the destruction of my Cup. J kept saying, "Honey, I literally don't know how to respond to this," while I'm screaming, "It's MY cup! It's MY CUP!" while stabbing my chest with my finger so hard I'm surprised I didn't break my sternum.  Or my finger.

The death of my Cup even moved into the next day, Monday. I'm sitting at work looking at the spot that used to be where I placed my Cup, and all I could see was empty space...and a Fiji water I purchased that I loathed. The Fiji water bottle was NOT my Cup. And literally....LITERALLY....when I thought about the events that took place the night before I would tear up. NOT because I was embarrassed at my ridiculous overreaction....no....I would tear up over the loss of my Cup.

My sweet J attempted to save the day by bringing me a replacement "cup" to my work...which was the SWEETEST thing...but I'm still haunted over the memories of that day...it even took me about a week to throw my Cup it away. My sad, broken Cup just sat there in the kitchen...I would try and "will" it to be magically fixed every morning I walked in there...hoping the Cup fairy would have shown up during the night...

...perhaps I need to go back into therapy...

Really - in the grand scheme of things...losing my Cup could quite possible be one of the most UNimportant things that has ever happened to me. Ever. But I have a hard time looking at the "big picture" sometimes...scratch that...MOST of the time. I really focus on the here-and-now and how I'm feeling at the moment which has led to impulse decisions in my past that haven't been so great. Don't get me wrong - impulsive can be quite a fun characteristic, and throughout the years I've learned to embrace my impulsiveness, as well as tame the hell out of it.

...I can literally hear my parents laughing right now...

Seriously, though...looking at the "big picture" is hard for me. Like my recent work with weight loss - I started counting Weight Watchers points again, as well as taking more classes at work. I even went for a RUN yesterday, which is so not like me. But I've been so DOWN on myself lately that I'm fat, lazy, not working hard enough, eating too much, and talking down to myself constantly. I've been feeling REALLY bad this week! But the big picture is....I've lost a good SIXTEEN POUNDS so far this year. SIXTEEN. And I don't give myself any credit for that. All I can focus on is the weight I'm not taking off currently.

I need to stop beating myself up. If I miss a workout - no big deal. If I eat McDonald's one day - no big deal. I'm my own worst critic and am STILL regretting that McDonald's from Monday night....(was sooo goooood though)...but I need to give myself a break. Otherwise I'm going to get to an unhealthy place where I'm obsessing about food and exercise...who wants that?!

The question is this...why WHY is it so hard to do good things for myself? When I eat better and exercise my mood is lifted, I sleep better, and overall just feel GOOD....so why can't I establish the habit yet? I've been fighting this for almost 11 months now...it's sad that I haven't established a better habit with these things.

There I go...giving myself a hard time again!

Good thing I have my man to go home to - he always tells me when I'm being insane!



.........I still miss my Cup, though....

- Mrs. H

It's all about perspecitve...

Today's status:

Weight: ??? and probably a good thing...ate like a glutenous cow this weekend. 

Productive Activity: again...??? Hurrah for a Sunday!

Money spent: $15 - groceries for the week

Moments of being TRULY un-selfish: 1

Today is Sunday. Sunday = football according to J. I, being the PERFECT wife that I am, have allowed J to have full control of the TV on Sundays. (Which is starting to move into Mondays....) I honestly don't mind. I take Sundays to get things done I normally wouldn't do if I had a decent television distraction. I like the roar of the crowd in the background as I clean and such...feels like I've got a crowd of people rooting for me.

Well, normally if we are out of town for the weekend, we try to leave at a decent hour so we can get home, unpack, unwind, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. But today, my sweet and wonderful husband was super bummed about missing the Vikings/Packers game due to the drive home.......so I told him we should just stay until the game is over so he won't miss it.

I am SO NICE!

Honestly though...I wish I was un-selfish with him more often. He never EVER asks me for things...he didn't even actually ask to stay for the game tonight...just said he was bummed he was going to miss it. He is ALWAYS doing things for me...doing favors for me and bending over backwards to make me happy. I wish I was more like him...I wish I could do more things for him...I love him SO MUCH. 

...something for me to work on, I suppose! Won't mind that...always looking for more ways to make my man happy!! 

*smile*

Today is Sunday which also = exactly one week before I turn 27...and in a weird way I am just ecstatic to be 27. I know I know I KNOW...I'm NOT OLD yet. Every woman who is older than me will roll her eyes and say "Girl, PLEASE!" when I say "Oh my GOD I'm gonna be 27!!"...but move to my friends who are younger than me, and I get wide open eyes that do not roll. Maybe add in a "Wow....yeah....27...."

It's all about perspective, I say. Age is just a number. ATTITUDE - now that is something to talk about.

I was with the in-laws in the country all weekend - was fabulous! I really think I'm a country girl at heart. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE Chicago and especially our new neighborhood - but MAN do I miss the country sometimes. I miss the trees and the grass and the fresh air...we went to an apple orchard yesterday. When we got there I immediately felt like a little kid again - I was playing on the fake tractors, petting the goats and laughing at the donkey (a donkey!)...I even managed to jam my giant body into one of the "trains" in the playground...

...thank God I got out. Seriously.

...but I ENJOY the small things in life. Honest and for true I do - so while some may think I'm obnoxious, I think I'm just trying to keep and enjoy my youth. Remember how much FUN you had as a kid? The utter pleasure you would get out of Christmas morning...the first snow fall...a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows in it...a hayride...why is it so hard as an adult to enjoy the things we used to? THAT is what life is made up of...the little things! The times with your friends and family! Yeah we all have bills and school and work and drama drama drama...but I have NO problem with going to play on the swing set. I hope to be doing so well into my late late years.

I was trying to explain (unsuccessfully) at dinner tonight with J's family about the odd pleasure I get out of other people's issues. It's hard to explain it without me sounding like a total ass...but I'm going to try...

...take for instance my morning commute. I get up every day about 6:30am...eat my breakfast and get dressed and pack my lunch and things for my day and I'm out the door by 7:30am. Maybe it's because I'm a new-found morning person...but I find my mornings QUITE entertaining.

I can guarantee that ANYONE who has lived in the city has experienced what I'm about to describe...

You're walking. To your destination. In my case, it is the brown line. So I'm walking...and I hear footsteps behind me...my new friend!...and the footsteps stay behind me pretty steadily...but uncomfortably close. I keep the SAME PACE the whole time...while my new friend is literally walking .0000001 mph faster than me. But for SOME REASON my friend finds it necessary to keep this "faster" pace, and the rest of your walk is spent with this person trying to get "ahead" of you to the train stop. 

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?

Why why WHY WHY did this even HAPPEN?? What satisfaction does my friend get by getting to the train stop just a teeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiny bit earlier than I? The last time this happened to me I gave my friend a BIG smile once we both reached the train platform - the race was over! I kept my pace and she kept hers... .0000001 mph faster than me...I had been beaten! My friend had THE. MOST. INTENSE look on her face - her race had clearly just begun...she'd find someone new to "beat" on her final way to work.

It cracks me up!!! Maybe I shouldn't laugh - obviously my friend took our race VERY seriously and will probably continue her day as such - but does it all have to be so SERIOUS? Ugh! Maybe I should feel bad for her...but I prefer laughter over sadness so I'll keep cracking up over these instances.

Like I said...it's all about perspective. Maybe next time I'll start running...will TOTALLY mess with her.

- Mrs. H

Balance

Today's status:

Weight: 155.8 (which I do NOT believe. There's no WAY I weighed the EXACT same yesterday morning, afternoon, evening, and the next day. Sorry...my scale is a liar today.)

Productive Activity: WORKED OUT!! 

Money spent: $14 worth every penny

A-HA moments in the past month: A billion. Or more like 15....probably somewhere in the middle

Going to eat Thai food by myself is one of my favorite things to do. I am a slow eater - I get it from my dad (we're "gourmets" he says) and I don't find it a flaw in myself. On the contrary...I think EVERYONE should eat slow. Do you know how much better food tastes when you actually chew it? Like CHEW it...not *chew *chew *swallow as J and my brother love to do...but chew and savor each and every bite.

J says I sound like a cow when I eat. Ha!!

I LOVE to eat...ask anyone who's close to me what one of my favorite things to do is, and I'm pretty sure they'll mention eating. I LOVE food - I love the way it smells, the way it tastes, the way I feel after I'm eating - food rocks my socks off. Thai is one of my favorites...and like I said, eating it alone is just way better. Don't get me wrong...I love grabbing a group of my girls and bottles of wine (or if my sweet SE is with us...a 40) and chatting it up over some ginger tofu (my fav!)...but going to eat it alone is top notch...

....did I just age myself 40 years by saying "top notch"?

...I think it's the plinky planky generic piano music that does it for me. The piano and the ambient "hummmm" sounds behind it...if you listen closely half of the time it's actually a recognizable tune. A Thai restaurant piano plinky planky version of some Britney Spears...Sting...old church hymns...it's all there! Today I heard, "Come, Christians Join to Sing."

...it's okay to laugh. I'm a preacher's daughter - add in a church music director for a mother and *BAM* you have the hymn-know-it-all-girl. Start humming a hymn and I'll rock the harmonies...and probably most of the verses too.

I went to a Thai place around the corner from where I work today. Was perfection. 

I have to say though...one of my LEAST favorite things in the world is when you eat something that you thought was going to taste one way...then it turns out to be something completely different. Case in point - I got a "mint" after my meal today. Oh, how excited was I to freshen my breath after my meal! 

Nope. Was strawberry-flavored.

Sad thing is, I LOVE strawberry-flavored stuff! But when I'm expecting peppermint and strawberry comes popping out...it's a true and utter disappointment.

J did that to me a couple weeks back. We were laying in bed watching tv and eating candy (yes...laying in bed eating candy....take it literally because that is literally what we were doing) and J says "open your mouth." I listen, and he pops what I think to be a jelly bean in my mouth...it was a rasinete!! This was way worse than my "mint" experience...at least with my "mint" I had the same texture. Rasinetes are 100% different than jelly beans...they really are.

My advice to anyone out there reading this...when someone says "open your mouth" just clench your jaw and snarl. You'll avoid any raisinete surprise...or worse....!

...moving along...

In ten days J and I will be married for 3 months. And it still has yet to hit me sometimes that we actually are married...sometimes I feel like I'm living in some sort of dream - floating in a bubble above these happy people living in their new apartment and one of these days the bubble will pop and I'll get back to reality.

J and I washed the dishes together a couple nights ago...and for some reason I found it to be the most romantic thing in the world. I felt married at that moment...and not because of the cliche' of doing the dishes or whatever...but I felt this wonderful calmness settle inside of me. It was quiet, we hadn't turned on the tv yet...and we didn't even really talk that much...(except when I would ruin the moment by pointing out J missed a spot on a bowl and he would roll his eyes and plop it back in the water)...but I just felt like I was home. I was HOME with my husband and we were washing the dishes together. Just a simple, yet fantastic moment for me.

I have to remember the simple moments...the quiet ones. The last time J and I visited Michigan we were able to get to church to hear my dad preach. Two awesome things happened that day:

1. I realized that was the first time J and I were in that church since our wedding day! Sent fabulous goosebumps all over me!

2. I realized again how amazing my dad is.

My dad talked that day about the quiet. That in the midst of life - the coming and going and tv shows and work and screaming kids and deadlines and fights and girls nights and parties and everything that comes along with life - that in the midst of all that we need to sit in the quiet and just...BE. It's really hard to do, actually...I like to call it "Me-time"...and in reality my Me-time is never actually quiet...like today at Thai with the plinky planky music...wasn't quiet...but I was quiet. That's something at least.

It was a great sermon that day. It was one of those that you don't realize any time had passed - and left you thinking. I think what really made that sermon great for me was that I knew he had barely written anything down. He was busy hanging out with the family - our visits to Michigan are getting shorter now that we both have to work - so my dad decided to "wing it" on Sunday morning...and it was awesome.

He makes me proud...SO PROUD to be his daughter.

And the thing that really blows my mind...in all my years of looking for my perfect guy...I end up finding a man SO similar to my dad.

Giving

Kind

Thoughtful

Generous

Selfless

Honest

Trustworthy

Quiet and introverted (SO opposite of me...)

FUNNY!

Smart

Loving

Humble

GOOD...they are good GOOD men. God-honoring, amazing men who put up with insane women like my mom and I. 

(I'm only allowed to say that because my mom says it too.... *smile*)

I wish I could explain to J sometimes how much he means to me...and how amazing and wonderful he is. I try to tell him all the time but he always says "Noooo," or says he doesn't believe me. But it's true. I absolutely could not have found a more perfect man...he's MY perfect...made to balance me out...my other half...my best friend.

Balance...now there's a word. If I could give ONE word to describe a way to lead a good life, it would probably be balance...

...or during certain times of the month...mint-chocolate-chip. (It's one word because of the hyphens...)

...but I think balance is key. I haven't allowed too much Me-time lately...what with work and moving and visitors and traveling...it's been hard to find quiet time for me. But I'll look more into that...I need more balance...more Me-time.

...and more exercise...more money...more time with friends and family...but we'll go there another day.

Balance. I need to find my life's balance. 

At least I found it in my hub!

*smile*

- Mrs. H

I have SOME successes...

Today's status:

Weight: 155.3 (yessssssss)

Productive activity: HARD day at work...still successful there!

Money spent: $0 ... will be a TAD more later... :)

New Neighborhoods: 1

New apartments: 1

Moments of realizing I may actually be a morning person: 1

It's been awhile since I've written...but not for want of something to write about. No...I literally haven't had the time! How great is that?! I had become so used to having so much time in my day to FILL...now my days are FULL and I am trying to find the extra time! And I LOVE IT!!!

Soooo....updates!!!

J and I have a new home!! We moved this weekend - J's family came in to help and we had my dear SE here too...they were all so helpful we got completely out of our old hole in three hours!! Moving is so overwhelming and I hate it. I HATE moving. I. HATE. IT. But this time wasn't actually all that terrible...I was moving for all the right reasons this time. No breakups...being broke and having to move home...J and I found our new HOME that we can live in and be happy - and we are! I can't believe how amazing it feels to see sunlight in our place...how did we survive a year in darkness? How did we survive a year in that small space...the cold (hot in summer), dark, stinky, MISERABLE place? We got married while living in that space...call me crazy but I think our relationship can survive almost anything if we made it - and even managed to GROW in our relationship - in that apartment! Woot for K and J!!

Loving my new job. LOVING it. It's something completely different than I've ever done...it's something challenging but yet relaxing...rewarding...fun...and inspiring. I am every day reminded to continue to stay healthy - to exercise - to eat better - and to be thankful for what I have. What more can I ask in a job? 

I've been without work for quite some time...taking time off work to get my education...I worked as a teacher's assistant for awhile...but I just still didn't feel like a productive person. I didn't feel useful. It's so weird how a job can boost one's self esteem. I go to work every day and am proud of what I do...proud of MYSELF. And I haven't felt that in a long time...pride. My relationship with my husband was literally one of the only things I felt I could be proud about...

...marriage. We're on day #46 of our marriage...it's work, marriage. Not bad work...but it is work. I've found that relationships are really give and take...it's a constant balancing act which can be challenging at times. But I'm madly in love with it! I'm in love with J...I'm in love with marriage. It's a commitment so far beyond just dating that it's hard to even understand at times...to really grasp the concept of being with the SAME person for the REST of your LIFE...how crazy is that? And how LUCKY am I to have found that man!

I've lost weight...a good amount in the past two weeks! 3.5 pounds...and I'm still hard on myself! Calling myself "fat" and looking at the mirror in disgrace...why is that? Why am I SO hard on myself? I never EVER thought I was the perfectionist type - - all through high school I had tons of aspirations to do well and work hard, but never actually did. Fast forward 8 years later and you have a girl (woman?) so focused on perfection that I make a 3-ring binder for work and focus on all my failures instead of successes. Why do I focus on my failures??

Successes:

New job. And got moved to full time!

Weight loss!

Amazing lifelong friends!

Wonderful family!

Am going to be a new auntie!

Bestest bestest friend getting married! (not necessarily MY success...but am so beyond happy for her it feels like a success!)

New apartment! 

New neighborhood!

46 days of marriage!!

....so I have SOME successes. Will keep working on getting some more.

That last one is my favorite. 

*smile*

- Mrs. H

I'm gonna be a butterfly!

Today is the beginning of the changing process.

Today I am counting my points. (Weight Watchers...22 points today!)

Today I am taking special care of my body.

Today I got up with the rest of the world and headed to work by 8:15 am.

Today I'll be getting to bed at a good, early hour.

Today I saw my potential...and it's absolutely wonderful!

Today's status:

Weight: 158.8 (?????????????)

Productive Activity: Got to work early!! 8:00 am baby!!!

Money spent: .........we'll see after a Target trip

Top Model episodes: 0

Headaches: 200. All at the same time.

Other than my headache that is seriously making me consider hopping into a cold shower to help release the pressure my brain is under....this day has been GREAT! 

I went to work today...the first time I went to work since December of '09...kinda insane, actually. It's weird how much not having a job was taking it's toll on my self esteem...and I didn't even realize it for the longest time. Getting up, showering, eating a (small) breakfast, and walking to J's car this morning was the BEST feeling...I felt like I actually may serve a purpose in this world! 

And honestly...I shouldn't have the question marks next to the weight...my eating yesterday was BEYOND ridiculous and sad and pathetic...and again...am only admitting this to the blog world and beyond because I need to be accountable. And...since I'm beginning the changing process...it's good to know how easy it is to truly, and utterly FAIL.

- 4 oatmeal creme pies

- Cool Ranch Doritos

- Dr. Pepper

- Side Caesar salad

- Garlic bread

- Linguini with garlic and broccoli

- Half a pint of cookie dough Ben & Jerry's

- Half a bag of Skittles crazy cores

............at least I still took my vitamins................and those oatmeal creme pies were the generic brand so only had six grams of fat instead of the usual seven..................okay, I know I'm just kidding myself. 

FAIL.

....yeah....I took the word "fail" to a whole new level yesterday. And I'm wondering why I have a headache today and feel just basically blaaahhhhh....?????

The upside to things is that I AM beginning the changing process. I was talking to SR yesterday, and we are going to ROCK this whole work out/eat better thing like it's nobody's business. She signed up for classes at my work! We both want to feel better about ourselves...eat better...work out...basically treat our bodies like the temples they are. And why shouldn't we? It'll be nice to have a friend along in the process so we can keep each other motivated....though I REALLY can't find something more motivating than working where I work. 

It's not a gym...it's a fitness/exercise studio. The highest the free weights go is 6 lbs...all you need if your own body and a ballet bar. It's unreal...the women that come to these classes have the most amazing bodies I've ever seen...I've never seen anything like it! It's obviously successful...I wouldn't think they would need to do any kind of advertising except just have people walk by the place before and after classes start...all you have to see is 15-25 AMAZING-looking women and bam! All of Chicago will sign up! I almost don't want to tell people about it, so that there will be room in the classes for me!

I get great coworkers, amazing bosses, and I can wear workout clothes to work! So instead of shopping for uncomfortable blouses, fancy pants, and tight painful fancy shoes, I wear leggings, tank tops, sweatshirts, and SOCKS. Not even shoes....just SOCKS. SOCKS!!!

..........SOCKS!!!!!!!!!

I'm just blown away by the opportunity I've been given. There is NO WAY I can fail this time...sure, I may work out only 4 times some weeks instead of 5...but I can't work there and keep the body I have. It just won't work...it won't happen...it won't be acceptable. 

I know...I know...I'm acting like I'm going to lose 20 pounds in one week and just be this fabulous fabulous woman...

...well I AM!!! Just not in one week.

*smile*

I started Weight Watchers before the wedding...and was doing well with it for awhile! But I feel like I was doing it more for the wedding than for myself. I'm at 22 points so far today...this is the first day I've counted points in weeks. If I keep track of my points...do the bar method...and maintain a positive attitude...by Christmas I'll have a ROCKIN' BOD and just be fabulous.

FABULOUS!!!!

So I'm chatting with my dear SR last night...I'm organizing all my paperwork and notes in a slick black 3-ring binder...for WORK (this is when you know I'm excited about something...when it gets it's own 3-ring binder)...and we're talking about all of these changes. And for some reason...it felt real this time. Like I wasn't just pumping myself up...I really and truly felt like this is exactly when I'm going to begin my changing process. 

I talked a bit ago about praying about this job...and this is also the first time I felt like I had true prayer...and a true answer to prayer. Not just because I got my way...I didn't pray this time to just get my way... I prayed to God asking for Him to give me the answer. Not necessarily this job...but the right job. I prayed that if I wouldn't get it, that I knew there would be another one out there for me...that everything happens for a reason. But I also prayed about my life choices...about how I really feel like going into dietetics is really the right path for me...and this job would REALLY help push me along that path...and if this was really the path I should be taking...then this job would open up for me. I feel like I prayed right this time...and that I got some real answers. And I feel amazing!

Just heard from SR about her first workout...she says it hurts to drive home, it's that intense...I'm excited and scared out of my mind for tomorrow...ahhh!! 

*smile*

When I told SR about my changing process...she thought it was cute. "The changing process. Love it!" She said, "It's like you're gonna be a butterfly!"

HOW cute is that?!

I AM gonna be a butterfly! A thin and toned butterfly...working in the current job of my dreams...moving to the best neighborhood in the city...married to the man of my dreams...it feels like it's too good to be true...

...for now...it's my life! I'll take it!!

- Mrs. H

POPCORN!!!

Today's status:

Weight: 158.8

Productive Activity: Entered the world of employment

Money spent: $0 (though WILL be spending some later...)

Top Model episodes: 0 

Moments of PURE JOY: 150 and counting...

So...I'm pretty much going to avoid talking about the ridiculous weight gain. Could be worse...I blame it on stress and water (and pizza and breadsticks) and it WILL be going down. I should have been more specific the other day when I said goodbye to 158.2...I should have said goodbye AND goodbye to all higher numbers...*sigh...no hopes for a weigh-in tomorrow as I'm going to the movies tonight and there has been only TWO times in my existence here on earth that I can remember NOT getting popcorn...

1. I went with my brother and CG to see the documentary "Babies"...should have gotten popcorn though, because then there would have been something enjoyable about that hour and a half...

2. The night I got engaged. Knew we were going to dinner right after the movie and didn't want to spoil my appetite for scallops and 5 bottles of wine...

...I have had nothing but a perfect love affair with popcorn my entire life. My earliest memories of anything include fighting over who gets to hold the middle seatbelt in the gray car (??????) and eating my dad's popcorn in my footsie pajamas...

...WHICH, by the way, should really be made in adult sizes. I would put up some hard cash for a pair of footsie pj's that would fit me now...

...My dad would make his popcorn on the stove in our long and skinny kitchen in Clarion, PA. I remember him standing there at the stove with the popcorn maker...so patiently cranking and cranking the handle that stirred the kernels at the bottom of the pot...in his flannel shirt and giant GIANT glasses...I can picture it now! (as funny as those glasses were, I can't laugh too hard...anyone who wore specs back in the early 90's knows they would take up half of your face...myself included...) Now, when my dad makes me popcorn, he sits down in front of the microwave and watches it pop up higher and higher, with Ralphie sitting next to him licking his lips hoping for at least one of those glorious kernels to fall on the floor.

Ralphie is a dog. The most wonderful dog to ever exist.

More often than he'd like, J makes me popcorn with his old popcorn maker. He doesn't usually like to do it, but can't seem to resist my googly "PleasePleasePLEASEmakemepopcornprettyprettypleeeeeeease" eyes. 

My mom always told me that she knew that I would find the man I would marry when I would be willing to share my popcorn with him.

I shared it with J. 

*smile*

If I didn't like my popcorn to be in such large quantities, I would absolutely have it every day. For some reason I can't just have a small, reasonably-sized portion of popcorn. It needs to be in a bowl the size of a small tub...filled to the brim.

Portion control is absolutely my problem with the weight gain...for some reason I always think I need to have an equal portion of food as my husband, which is utterly ridiculous. I'm aware. But I get this sense of panic when our food is getting spooned into bowls, watching over it like a hawk who will absolutely pounce on the poor soul who is innocently putting rice into bowls. (Or more often, mac and cheese). I order WAY too much food at restaurants....like so much food that by the time my entree' comes I am so stuffed I'll take a bite or two then get it wrapped up. And THEN...where my true evil side comes out...I won't EAT said entree' and throw it in the trash. 

I throw away what used to be a delicious plate of food. WHY?! ............literally the only answer I can find is that I have some sort of psychological problem. I'm a freak. I'm not happy to admit it...but it's true...I'm a freak. J calls me a freak all the time...

...not in a mean way. Just in an obvious way...when I need to be told I'm being a freak and we're laughing about my freak-ness...he'll be sure to let me know. "You're a FREAK!!!" he'll say.

I've had a rocky relationship with food my whole life. The good thing about my relationship now is that I actually like to eat food. And when I say "like" I really mean "LOVE." I LOVE food...food excites me...I plan all of my meals at the beginning of the day...I love love love LOVE food.

.....................I think I'm hungry.

Side note: I am now the M-F day receptionist at a fitness studio in Lakeview!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!! I got called less than an hour after my second interview. I am in LOVE with my new job, my new bosses, and the opportunity I'm being given to get back into great shape. Free exercise classes!!! I'm going to be constantly surrounded by slim, toned, gorgeous women...you can't have a chubby receptionist at a fitness studio, for crying out loud! 

I got a job...and a lifestyle change...and a sense of pride that I haven't felt in a long time. Will talk more about the new job later...for now...off to dinner and a movie with the bestie!! 

...And POPCORN!!!!!!

- Mrs. H